i.breakmyheart

for some reason i always seem to find the meaning of life when i'm high, but as soon as i am sober enough to grasp the concept, i forget it. 

when i finally have the time to write i'm always at a loss for words.



my defense is either be quiet or a bitch.  when i'm pushed into a corner its either or.  i don't know how to put how i feel and what i think into words without being sarcastic, making a joke, or just not saying anything.  it may sound stupid but i can't just put myself out there.  everyone around me defenses are down,, but i'm still paranoid and still feel tense.  i don't like serious conversations.  or just conversations that i feel any pressure. that's the real reason i can't be in a relationship.. i have a guard up. always. with everyone. everyday i keep building up the wall and its growing up taller and taller and even i barely know whats behind the wall now.. no guy will ever truely fall for me, cause they cant.  i don't let them. a few think they do.. but im not even sure what part of me they can actually see.  my fear is being alone, but in some twisted way its where i feel the safest.  i want the fucking wall to break. to shatter. to fall to fucking peices.  its whats seperating me from life. from living.  it sucks when the main thing seperating me from happiness is me.  its like i want myself to be miserable. to suffer.  i won't let myself live.


you know its fucked up when you know whats wrong but your too scared to change.  i'm scared of life. of living. i hate how scared i am.  i'm nervous almost 24/7. i worry about stupid shit most people never even think about. things like when people say goodbye as they leave are they gonna give me a hug? shake my hand? do some stupid ass hand thing? and then i start worrying about how im gonna make it akward. how stupid im gonna look. i seriously hate goobyes.  i'll avoid them anytime i can.  and i noticed anytime i say goodbye to anyone... i look down after,, like im ashamed. i don't know what to say. i literally can't say bye.  like the words are so hard for me to say.. not cause i'm gonna necessarily miss the person,, its cause when i feel someone looking at me waiting for me to say something,, talking feels almost impossible.  like i can't get the words to form and if i do my voice is always hella quiet which makes me feel more nervous.  it's like one giant mess over absolutely nothing. 

i hate who i've become.



this is not how it has to be.  the wall will break.  it will not end like this.  i wont let it destroy me.  it won't destroy me.  i will be the person i want to be.