*

i believe in happy endings

this is why i don't talk a lot

nothing i write makes sense. i think im crazy.


actually. i know im crazy.

yeah that's about it. i've been up way to long and am a little sleep deprived.

but all i can keep thinking about is cigerettes.
fuck you nicotine sticks of happiness
FUCK YOU.

i think im gonna go finish my subway from earlier

and maybe smoke another cigg.. just maybe

how come after everything i just wanna say something hella fucked up

say a guy says "happy holidays!!!!"

i wanna be like go fucking shove a stocking down your throat you dumb ass peice of shit.  no one cares. FUCK fucking christmas.. and FUCK YOU. i'm sick of this happy holidays shit. i wanna shove him down the fucking chimmney. god damn. 

is that wrong?

i think im a little bipolar.

ha and i even went and got christmas stockings, candles, and a a mini looking tree thing for our house so we could make the house have more holiday spirit.. but yet i'm still so angry at everyone elses holiday spirit.
its like a hypocritical scrooge or something.  yeah. i need help. a lot of help.  actually tons of help.

someone save me from my mess of a mind.

ignore the blind

i'm not shaggy
i'll admit it was me.
i tossed it in the trash
ever feel invisible. forgotten
ignored. not important
i try to fix it. its cracks more
i try harder
it breaks in my hands
i keep trying
but then it crumbles
it falls right through my hands
i feel numb
my eyes burn
i try to catch the peices
i fall to my knees
i do everything i can
i keep telling myself
it won't break.
it won't happen like this
but nothing changes
my hope is gone
its not working
the peices are too small
theres nothing i can do
its lost
its gone
nothing but a memory
a broken heart
and guilty hands
it can't end like this
i need you more than ever
the noose of guilt grows tighter
i ask for forgiveness
but you move farther
i'm helpless. alone.
and only you can set me free
as much as i wish
as much as i plead
its always too late
you already forgot me






i know its bad. sorry for whoevers time i wasted. i was sober. and sadly that was the result

ha and it fucking sucks major balls.  and.. sorry again for whoever read it. its hard to recover from such crap
notearstuesdayDAY1  
Tue21122010

won't think about it to much

i love my mom. my best friend. all my friends. the crazy people who surround me.  ha all my family when they aren't being totally deranged. i started writing about how much i hate christmas right now not being with my family.. but me being miserable and angry doesn't help shit.  i just realized how important the people around me are.  how i couldn't survive without them.  i wouldn't want to survive without them.  and i love them. all of them.



just ANOTHER chapter in my life

being a broke college student.. literally.
living not even paycheck to paycheck..haha
just day to day. 
eating straight peanut butter for two days because that's all the food in the house
being hungry, bored, cigerette deprived, and sober is an awful mix.
.. trust me.

but then today,,
my bestie found a paycheck from about two months ago for 50 dollars,
ha its like when were running out of hope.. we always find something to keep up going.


my minds a mess

i.breakmyheart

for some reason i always seem to find the meaning of life when i'm high, but as soon as i am sober enough to grasp the concept, i forget it. 

when i finally have the time to write i'm always at a loss for words.



my defense is either be quiet or a bitch.  when i'm pushed into a corner its either or.  i don't know how to put how i feel and what i think into words without being sarcastic, making a joke, or just not saying anything.  it may sound stupid but i can't just put myself out there.  everyone around me defenses are down,, but i'm still paranoid and still feel tense.  i don't like serious conversations.  or just conversations that i feel any pressure. that's the real reason i can't be in a relationship.. i have a guard up. always. with everyone. everyday i keep building up the wall and its growing up taller and taller and even i barely know whats behind the wall now.. no guy will ever truely fall for me, cause they cant.  i don't let them. a few think they do.. but im not even sure what part of me they can actually see.  my fear is being alone, but in some twisted way its where i feel the safest.  i want the fucking wall to break. to shatter. to fall to fucking peices.  its whats seperating me from life. from living.  it sucks when the main thing seperating me from happiness is me.  its like i want myself to be miserable. to suffer.  i won't let myself live.


you know its fucked up when you know whats wrong but your too scared to change.  i'm scared of life. of living. i hate how scared i am.  i'm nervous almost 24/7. i worry about stupid shit most people never even think about. things like when people say goodbye as they leave are they gonna give me a hug? shake my hand? do some stupid ass hand thing? and then i start worrying about how im gonna make it akward. how stupid im gonna look. i seriously hate goobyes.  i'll avoid them anytime i can.  and i noticed anytime i say goodbye to anyone... i look down after,, like im ashamed. i don't know what to say. i literally can't say bye.  like the words are so hard for me to say.. not cause i'm gonna necessarily miss the person,, its cause when i feel someone looking at me waiting for me to say something,, talking feels almost impossible.  like i can't get the words to form and if i do my voice is always hella quiet which makes me feel more nervous.  it's like one giant mess over absolutely nothing. 

i hate who i've become.



this is not how it has to be.  the wall will break.  it will not end like this.  i wont let it destroy me.  it won't destroy me.  i will be the person i want to be. 

myspace mess

lol! thats so funny. dude tony james christopher and bryan tried to make cookie dough and added too much water and theyre cookie came out sick looking but they said it tasted really good lol
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Peanut
To: ~Dot~
Date: Mar 23, 2009 9:29 PM
Subject: RE: pasta
hahaha. dude!!!

when i first read this i was hella creeped out
cause the beginning of the message said
"ur eating on of those pasta things right now"

and i am!!! haha i was thinking
"how the hell does she know that??"

...but then i got it. ahaha.

mammoth jaw? ahahah rhino dike

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ~Dot~
To: Peanut
Date: Mar 20, 2009 7:56 PM
Subject: pasta


ur eating one of those pasta things right now in front of me at janets lol mammoth jaw




dot:


the mall was fun today. dude joe is hella sexual lmao poor moni. it kinda makes me wonder if he really is gona pull her dress up at prom lol dude im sure ull find a rockin dress. did u go to dillards yet?

kp:

iiimmmmmm tttyyyyppppiinnngggg iiinnnnn sssssllloooooooooowwwww mooooottttiiiioooonnnnnnn.... Ccccaaaannnnn yooooouuuuuuu ttteeeeeellllllllllll?
I'm justt that bored. Lol.. I was thinking of dory for some reason

 

 

To: moniiicä

Monica!!!!!!!!!!! I mis you!! I think I'm fucked up! I can't wait il I cine back so we can get ducked up together!! Ur like my sister amdbi totally miss you bitch(: hehe. Haha.
Love ur sister frim another mister(:
Live ya tons an tons.
And I still can't believe Bryan and. Phillip are going out thts ficki g crazy.

 

 

to kp:

 

they arent dork. they just were making out ha
god you are fucked up lol lucky
and yes i cant wait either hahahahaha

 

 

 

kp

Hahaha I know right. And it's like a girls night. Lmfao. And I know ur broke hahaha but I love u anywas. I dnt care if ur rich or not, ur so like my best friend. Now Janet on the other hand would never be friends with someone who is broke or as ugly as her dumb ass. Fuck her and I didn't want her to come o ny. I dnt even think ild pick her up from the airport he can just fucking sit there. All she does is talk crap and she even talk crap on me I know she does. Fucking skank

mo

ahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahaahah
god i love you betch! haha
what game do u suck at anyways?

 

 

kp

Lol, no!! They all went to sleep cause thy have work at like 5 and 6 am tomarrow!
And ohh
Ohh so u know how whenever I'm drunk I always tell you "your brothers so cute.. Blah blah blah, haha, well tell me why I had a dream about him the other night. And I swear I'm not obsessive lol cause I haven't thought about him in a long ass time. But he was all sweet to in the beginning but it turned out that he was using me to get to someone else. I'm not sure who though. It was so weird.

mo

wtf.. you dont tell me that ever.. maybe like on time! jr right!? ha he just called to! lol wtf?>!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

mo:

 

DRUNK YET?? LOL

 

kp:

Hahaha, I think I'm becomminh use to it,, a little mre. But I'm not going crazy bad and I gotta get up in the morning ughhh.

 

 

 

To: moniiicä

"one night while u were sleeping.. I put myself in side u mouth and took a picture"

 

moniiicä says

To: kp (pinky0991@myspace.com)

ahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahah
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha
hahahhahahahahahahahah lol

 

 

 

 

 

 

kp:

Lol it's cool. And yeahh not the smartest choice of my life. But apparently he was drunk and high too so I didn't seem to stupid.. I kinda regret it at this moment lol. It started with heyy then ended I guss about me talking about brooklyn. Seriously WTF? He aslo said "I knew u were digging me from the first time I met you" and "I were thinking you should be a model" and " we should chill next time you come" omg talk about akward the next time I see him.
mo:

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah so what are you doing? im at home fuckling bored out of my mind.. janets not texting back neither is philip so im guessing theyre together with their asain friends that i dont like.. cause their losers... seriously.. youd think id be out since i got my car and everything but nope.. just sitting here and have been sitting here. uggh.

 

 

 

kp:

HahahahahHHHHHHahahahahahahahahahahahaaAaaaAhhahag
hagagaga....
Wait wait... I'm not done hahahahahahgagagagsgagahahahajahahajahaahahahaha lmfao!!!
I just watched it. I've seen part of it before a long ass time ago. Bu it is so totally us! Lmfao. I love it. I laughed so fuckin hard..
Umm well I cut my foot earlier and my shoes filling up with blood Ima go.
Hahahahaha peace er.

 

Godzillia is coming!!!!
Peace for reals whore

 

 

 

LMFAOUIDMF-laugh my fucking ass off until i die mutha fucker. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

 

LMFAO,,
you gotta love the bus right(: hahaha
well actually i hated that peice of shit giant yellow thing. it shoulda crashed.
"we are crashing. we we are crashing"... lol just thought i'ld through that in there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Since I have graduated high school, I have been told the same thing everyday. "What are you going to do with your life?"    They have tried to ask it calmly, sternly, and have even screamed it at my face; but no matter the approach they take I still never have the answer that they want.  For nine months i have been searching my brain to the deepest corners trying to figure it out they way they want me too.  This weight has been sitting on my shoulder dragging me down since the moment i walked across the stage on graduation day.

That was until a few days ago. It was about four a.m. and still completely dark out except for one street light.  I was sitting outside on a stone bench and could feel the cool California air surround me, the cigarette between my fingers, and when I looked down I just watched the smoke slowly rise from it.  Then I put the cigarette between my lips, inhaled, and thought about how the cancer stick was slowly killing me.  Most would be horrified of the thought, but I decided to live for now not the future cause that is all we truely have. Then a smile came to my lips.  I was happy.  I could feel the cold mental of my rings and the warm wool of my black plaid jacket. My feet were cozy inside of my brown cowboy boots.  I would not want to change anything about this moment.  It was perfect. 

Then to my left was my best friend who I have known for about 5 years now. We met as cheerleaders freshman year of high school.  She has beautiful long brown hair and tan skin.  She is the most honest person and stands by me no matter the situation.  She is someone you can trust everything too. 

 

sorry i'm so angry.

How do i feel right now.. how?? i first feel hella fucking hungry.  I just want some fucking food.  A cigarette would be nice too.  I can't be sober right now.  I can't take it.  I'm going crazy.  Theres nothing in this fucking house.  Their never is.  We literally have peanut butter... Yeahh that's it.  Peanut butter.  no bread no nothing.  I ate all my roomates eggs and he's angry.  of course.  I've been a bitch all day, and I hate it.  but all i wanna do is FUCKING BITCH.  I FUCKING HATE THIS. I HATE THIS PLACE RIGHT NOW.  I AM MISERABLE and i'm sure that's helping my friend get through this.  I DON'T WANNA FUCKING BE HERE... UGHH I DON:T AT ALL.  i'm so done with this place.  i wanna be able to go home when i want to.  i wanna not hate it.  i can't do this anymore.  i can't. I'm so tired.. but not enough to sleep.  i just want today to end... but for some reason it fucking won't.  this miserable day won't seem to fucking end.  JUST END ALREADY.  i'm tired.  angery.  hurt.  sick.  my heads pounding again.  my stomachs fucking growling, and that's about it.  but i'm too mad to be calm and happy.  I can't get myself to put up that act.  i can't do it.  i'm not happy and can't pretend to be. 

wow i'm angry when i don't get food. 

sorry.

a wish right now

The silence filled the air of the room.  It was heavy, lingering, and almost painful.  The room  was empty.  She was shaking.   The taste of her last cigarette still sat on her lips, yet she still longed for another.  It wasn't supposed to be like this.  She slowly moved across the room with a suprising grace despite what just had happened. Then she carefully moved the white sheer curtain and peered out the window.  She could see the woods and the street light that always seemed to be flickering.  The trees were all frosted by the snow and the moonlight seemed to bounce off of it.  The forest always gave her an erie feeling, but it somehow seemed to be calling to her.  She was tempted to leave the house to walk to them.  It seemed to be where all the answers were.  She was about to put on her coat before she dropped the curtain, shook her head back to reality, and went to sit down.  She still couldn't believe what she had done.  This wasn't who she was.   She could still feel his hands in her hair, his lips on her neck, and his body against hers.  "Stop," she whispered to herself.  She didn't want to think about it anymore.  This wasn't how it was supposed to be.  She grabbed another cigarette off the table and looked around.  The lighter would be missing.  It always was.  "Fuck, only to me," she mummbled and walked to the kitchen.  She was the only girl she knew who would light a cigarette with a toaster.  She waited for the wires to burn red before lighting it.  Not even two seconds later she was lost into the past again.

Even without looking up again she could still feel his eyes pierce her soul.  Her stomach felt sick.  It felt empty.  Her chest was on fire.  She could feel the corners of her eyes burn, but she wouldn't give in to the tears.  Her jaw was shaking, but she held it firm.  It was her birthday.  Why did it have to be like this.  Why couldn't she feel differently, but she knew she had to do it.  She took a deep breathe and looked up to face his eyes.  She could already see the hurt in them.  She didn't even have to see everyone else in the room to imagine their faces.  She knew the shock, the disapointment, and the pity they all felt.  "I can't marry you, I'm sorry," she said as strongly as she could trying her best to keep her voice from squeaking.  "I just can't."   She knew that imagine would never erase from her mind.  The hurt in his face was enough to break anyone's heart.  The guilt overwhelmed her, she was lost in his face.  She felt like she was going to be trapped in this moment forever.  She couldn't look away.  Somehow he then snapped out of it, closed the tiny black box, and walked out of the room.  She heard the door close, but the sound echoed in her ears.  She waited untill she could hear his car driving away before she could even get herself to move.  It was like she was on autopiolet.  She stood up ignoring all the eyes and whispers of the room before she walked up the steps to her room.

She snapped back.  It wasn't even her memory.  It was her mother's on her eighteenth birthday.  The memory slowly fogging its way to the back of her head.  The cigarette fit perfectly between her fingers.  She grabbed a glass from the dishwasher, and then filled it more than halfway of
vodlka.  Something had to make the memories stop. 


Then she could picture him.  The little blonde haired boy.  He was hopeless.   He felt empty, broken.  He believed he was a nobody, wasted space.  He was in the basement of his house.  The room was dimly lit.  He sat on a wooden chair in the middle of the room.  His father hated him.  For that a single tear dropped from his baby blue eyes.  He was too young.  He raised his shaking hand and put the hand gun to his mouth.  His finger started to pull the trigger and something started to ring.

What was ringing, and then she could see it.  Slowly she came back to reality.  She was in her living room, the empty cup of vodlka was tipped over, and the ashtray needed to be emptied.  Her phone was on the floor and ringing a little too loudly.  She focused her eyes on the clock.  It was 5:30 in the morning.  She looked down and picked up her phone to see who would be calling.  It read unknown.  "Hello," she answered her voice rhaspy pushing the thoughts of her father out of her head. 


"IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR ASS HERE A.S.A.P!  I'M GOING TO PERSONALLY COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND DRAG YOU HERE!  WE MISS YOU! Oh, and i'm a little drunk." It was her friend Ashley. 
Before she could even reply she could hear Ashley hung up.
So she just dropped the phone and laid back down.  Her head was pounding and she was beyond thirsty.  She just covered her head with her blanket and closed her eyes.


She was eight years old again.  They were living in North Dakota at the time.  She just woke up and was walking to the bathroom half asleep.  It was still dark out.  She turned on the light and caught a glimpse in the mirror.  Her heart dropped.  She didn't have a reflection.  There was nothing in the mirror.  She didn't exist.  She wasn't real.  She suddenly felt ice cold and as if her stomach was going to drop out.  She opened her mouth to scream and only silence came out.  Then out of know where her grandma came running up the stairs with a basket of laundry.  Somehow she could hear her silent screams.  It was only a nightmare, but it felt to real.  It always did. 

The room was full of light.  It was the afternoon.  She tried to shake off the regret from yesterday, but it seemed not to let go.  She believed she made the right choice, but its not what she wanted. She choose the one who has been there.  The one she loves and is loved by, but the whole time she was there he wasn't the one on her mind.  Somehow Jess always found a way into her head.  How could she love someone, but want to be with someone else so badly. Jess's smile, just his smile could make her melt inside.  She knew she was falling for him, but she could never do that to the one she loved.  She would force herself to forget about him.  Before she could think anymore about it she got up and grabbed a glass of water.  It was time to start her day.

school exams

business
Wednesday, Dec. 15, at 8:00 a.m. in Storer Auditorium.

math
Thursday, 8:00 a.m.

english
tuesday 9:50

history
thursday 6p.m.

random loves patsy cline crazy,, tupac califronia love changes